Gary Smalley, the marriage expert and author, says that when it comes to sex, men are like microwave ovens and women are like crockpots. Just push a few buttons, he said, and men are ready to go. Women, on the other hand, take a long time to warm up.
This has left most husbands in a frustrating dilemma. We really don’t know what to do. As a result, too many of us guys have been taken in by the stacks and stacks of magazines with articles promising fantastic sex if we only do this or that. These things never work because they’re not written by our wives. Our wives are unique, and there’s no sexual template that works the same for everybody.
So, as a marriage veteran for over 35 years and a man who’s crazy in love with his wife, here’s the little secret I’ve discovered.
It’s all foreplay.
Our wives are incredible women who have a lot going on in their lives. The stuff going on in her life doesn’t stop simply because she’s walked into the bedroom. If she works outside of the home, she’s still thinking about the meetings and projects or her job. If she’s a mother, she’s thinking about the kids. If there’s anything else going on, she’s thinking about that too.
And yeah, dude, she’s thinking about you…somewhere in all of that. Now, if you demand attention or if you pout because you’re not getting your way, you become just one more person who needs something from her. On some days, she can’t tell the difference between her whining toddler grabbing at her and you.
How do we change this?
We start by changing our thinking. We begin by understanding that every part of the day is connected to our expressions of intimacy.
Here’s what I mean by that. You can’t talk to her one way in the kitchen and another way in the bedroom. She can’t (and shouldn’t) separate the two. So, if you want her to respond to you in the bedroom, you have to respond to her in the kitchen. That means taking the garbage out before you go to bed is sexy. That means paying the bills and taking care of the finances is sexy. That means helping put the kids down at night is sexy. That means holding her hand while you watch the kids at soccer practice is sexy.
For one thing, you don’t ever want her to forget that first and foremost, she’s your wife. More than being a wage earner, a good mother to the kids, housekeeper, etc., she is still most of all your wife.
And second, you want your wife’s mind and heart free from all distractions so she can fully concentrate…
…on you! Her husband!
Don’t you remember? There was a time when it was enough for the two of you just to be together. There was a time when you couldn’t get enough of each other. Remember? We all felt that way once, before life happened to us.
As husbands, we want to recreate that moment for our wives. No, we can’t hold that moment forever. Life is calling. But we can hold on to it for a few minutes. And that’s foreplay. Foreplay is creating the space where she’s free to respond to you as her husband.
Making things. It’s what guys do. So, make this: a space where her heart and mind has nothing to think about but you.
Like I said, it’s all foreplay.